The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
