She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
