oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
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