dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
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