Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
that is very illegal...i love you.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
