Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
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