i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
Of course I'm hard in the pics. If there's a chance that these pictures will cause a scandal later in my life I at least want my dick to look it's biggest
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
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