think what you will about my sexuality, just get the cigarettes
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
