FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
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