I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
My feet surprised me
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
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