Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Randomize
