Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
