I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
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