bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
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