Please, let me fuck your mom
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
soo... how was my night?
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