Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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