see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
Randomize
