I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Randomize
