Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
Randomize
