Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
Randomize
