I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
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