He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
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