so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
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