I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
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