I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
i need an iv and a liver transplant
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
First time not coming to this class high in a month and a half, never again will i put myself thru this torture
Randomize
