I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
