We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
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