Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
