I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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