We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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