I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
Randomize
