Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Randomize
