Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
I deserve this hangover.
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
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