Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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