God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
