I feel like I'm in dance class right now
haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
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