i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
Randomize
