My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
Randomize
