Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
I think men at large are the problem in most or all relationships. It's like trying to drag a three-legged retarded puppy through an obstacle course
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
Randomize
