Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
I just love slightly exposed cleavage. Not too much to be whory but just enough to say "your kids will never go hungry"
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
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