Non-Jews are for practice
Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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