she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
I think we need to have a day of drinking in classes. I know we don't share any, but sacrifices need to be made.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
Randomize
