she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
Randomize
