You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
