Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
