so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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