I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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