It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
Randomize
