If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
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