Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
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